


Not Quite Myself

by ithrowboxis



Category: Project Winter (Video Game), The Creatures | Cow Chop RPF, Twitch Streamer RPF, Video Blogging RPF, Youtubers
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Blood, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Found Family, Gen, Hybrids, Immortality, Swearing, Temporary Character Death, Trust Issues, Wolf Hybrid Ze, could be read as romantic zrc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:13:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29503926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ithrowboxis/pseuds/ithrowboxis
Summary: A group of eight find themselves stranded in a cold winter landscape. With no immediate rescue, and a fierce wildlife to fight against, death is almost a guarantee. Luckily for them, death is only temporary - but does it come at a cost? As Ze dies again and again to the wolves, he finds that he looks a lot less human than when he arrived.--Chilled gave his friend a sad smile, not moving from his spot at the side of Ze's bed. "Wolves again?" He asked, already knowing the answer.
Comments: 20
Kudos: 38





	1. Biting Cold

Ze startled awake, hands planted firmly on the bed as he pushed himself up with a gasp. His wide, bleary eyes landed on a coffee mug being held out towards him. Happily accepting it and cupping his hands around the hot mug, he mumbled a thank you from his scratchy throat.

Chilled gave his friend a sad smile, not moving from his spot at the side of Ze's bed. "Wolves again?" He asked, already knowing the answer. His friend had recently been dying on every expedition he went on, as if nature itself had turned against him in his efforts to escape the snowy hell he found himself in. "Found you by the north wall, do me a favour and die a little closer to the cabin next time? I know I have some height on you but you're wrecking my back, Ze! Y'know if you want me to carry you, all you have to do is ask, don't have to go dying on me." Chilled said faux-dramatically, and laughed. He stood then, shaking his head and making a comic exaggeration of stretching his back as he moved to another room.

It was a light-hearted scolding for the events that had occured, but Ze knew his friend well enough to know that humour was Chilled's way of coping. As many deaths as their group had faced- and there had been so many in this cruel winter- finding your friend's corpse would never get any easier. Ze's recent spate of deaths at the hands of wolves probably meant he looked pretty mauled on discovery, too. He winced at the mental image of Chilled finding him in that state, and clutched his hot coffee a little tighter. Nearly burning his hands at least kept him in the present, and he wanted to cherish the reminder that Chilled cared enough to not only carry him back to the cabin but to greet him with some coffee and his company when he woke up.

He sighed, resolved to himself that he would stick closer to the group from now on, and moved to get out of bed.

-

It didn't last long. It never could have. Another day of little progress fixing the power station had Ze antsy and frustrated. He was away from the group and hacking down a tree, when just in earshot, he heard the group shouting match. Today's fight was over who stole whose berries, and Ze pinched the bridge of his nose. "God, guys, am I the only one trying to get this thing repaired?" He all but shouted, knowing he'd go unheard above the many voices so invested in their argument. Gathering a sickle from the community chest, and with nothing else but the clothes on his back to his name, he steeled himself to head into the snow once more - Alone.

Now biting down on his rising guilt at a promise he made to himself broken so soon, he left the group behind at the cabin and went to look for more unopened bunkers. The buildings closest to the central cabin had been long looted and left to dereliction, so recently Ze had found himself venturing further and further out. According to where Chilled had found his body last time, he had made it all the way to the big northern wall that boxed them into this place. With little memory of finding anything that direction, he headed west, hoping for a more fruitful scouting and recon trip.

It was stupid, rash really, that he'd let his frustration at the group's lack of direction drive him into danger again. The promise of revival had dulled his fear of dying, and left behind instead was a contempt towards inactivity. The early days of their group's stranded situation had been fraught with paranoia, fear, and blistering sores from the cold. They were tougher now, but jaded and almost complacent. Ze wondered if the group even remembered their objective of escaping.

His anger and misery-fuelled thoughts had brought him far enough out that he couldn't see the cabin or any markers he recognised, and Ze was approaching a new bunker when he heard it. Directly to his right, as if in his very eardrums, he heard the padding of feet. They were light, but numerous, and his gut told him that he'd be practically eye-to-eye with a wolf if he turned his head. When he did look however, there wasn't anything there. White landscape stared back at him, a blank canvas of untouched snow. No footprints, and definitely no wolves. A sense of dread he hadn't experienced in many moons overtook him - _Am I finally losing it?_ \- and he whirled around, hand clenching around his sickle.His knuckles burned with how tight he held it, shoulders going rigid as his stance locked up in preparation for an ambush. The sound of the padding feet was consistent, always in the same direction, and he knew unmistakably that they were wolves.

Three of them in fact, hearing them so clearly he could distinguish the footfall of each wolf separately. Curiosity and the need to reaffirm his own sanity overtook his survival instincts, and soon Ze found himself sprinting towards the direction of the sounds he had heard with reckless abandon. The last thing he saw was three wolves running towards him, and he breathed out a sigh of relief with a small smile as everything went black once again.

-

"-what he was doing. Three wolves, not even a scratch on them! It's like he didn't even try. Yeah yeah, that's what I'm saying. In the blizzard too, he always comes home when that shit starts up." The muffled sound of a distressed, and largely exasperated, Chilled made its way into Ze's ears. He wasn't so lucky this time, waking up slowly as he was still being carried back towards the cabin. He was draped over Chilled's shoulder, perhaps to alleviate some stress on the man's back. Ze silently apologised in his head. The fuzzy static and electronic bleeps of a… _radio? Is he talking to someone on a radio?_ filtered through his hazy subconscious. _Blizzard_ , Chilled had said, _But was that true? There's no way, I would've known if it was a blizzard, can't see for nothing through those things_ , Ze's sleepy logic tried to piece together what he was hearing but failed, and suddenly falling back to sleep was starting to sound like the safest course of action. He was drifting before he knew it, counting Chilled's heartbeats through his back, wondering if he had always been able to hear this clearly.


	2. Free Reign

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ze goes out adventuring, again. This time he has company, and maybe he's noticing some growing differences between them.

The sigh Ze huffed out fogged in the air, visible evidence of his frustration, as he knelt down to set up the campfire kit he had brought with him. Lighting it and sitting down as close as he could without actually setting himself on fire, he looked across the flame to not-so-subtly glare at his companion.

“Woah, if you hate me that badly, we could’ve sent Shubble with you instead,” Aphex said, before shrugging and pulling some berries from his backpack. “Sorry if I’m in the way of you dying again, Ze.” It was more callous than malicious, but it did nothing to easen the resentment Ze was feeling towards the man. He went to argue but felt the motivation leave him before mouth moved around the words, recalling the futility of the earlier conversation at the cabin.

*

“I’m coming with you on this one, buddy, maybe we can spot more with two of us looking.” Aphex had said, as Ze shouldered his backpack on and headed for the cabin’s door. “Safer, too.” He mumbled, looking down, and Ze had bristled at that. When he turned back to face Aphex, he saw the look that the man shared with Chilled and Shubble. Small nods and a silent conversation broke out in the small group before Ze spoke up, incredulous.

“I don’t need a freakin’ babysitter, guys,” It was argumentative and unplacating, but they had lost the right to kindness when they had plotted this for him. As if they didn’t trust him. “I’m way more geared this time, and I know how to handle myself.” 

Chilled let out a noise of exertion as he rose from the chair he had been sat in, rolling his shoulder and massaging the muscle with his hand. Ze felt a twinge of guilt at seeing it, knowing it was his fault that Chilled was in pain. He was almost always the one who went out to recover his body, and it was taking its toll. For his friend’s sake, Ze started to agree to his assigned companion, when he remembered who the hell he was looking at. Chilled hadn’t said anything, hadn’t moved to do anything specific - it was a show. Sure, he was likely actually in pain, but the deliberate display of it was to manipulate his feelings. Turning stone-faced now, Ze turned on his heel and left the cabin, reasoning that if Aphex wanted to babysit him so badly then he could either follow Ze or let him go.

*

The campfire didn’t last long, and the second the sparks died, Ze was up and walking again with little concern for whether Aphex could keep up. Despite being as physically fit, Aphex had been a little slower than him as they walked through the snow. A few comments and complaints had Ze slowing his pace occasionally to let him catch up, but it did leave him wondering if Aphex was just slow or if he was fast. Maybe the rage propelled his feet faster, maybe he was just more used to the terrain after all his solo expeditions, or maybe all that running from wolves had his instincts up. Whatever it was, it made for a frustrating hour or so as they continued in the cold.

The silence had only just grown comfortable when Ze broke it. "Up ahead, untouched bunker." He spoke, voice gravelly from disuse and the cold at his throat. "This way, Aphex." 

"Where? I can't see for shit, Ze. Are snow mirages a thing?" Aphex replied, dubious but grateful for the non-argumentative conversation. Sure enough the two shortly arrived at a bunker, door fixed closed and three switches at its front.

Aphex looked between Ze and the three little pedastled switches that blocked their entry to the building. "We need three people, wha-", he cut himself off as Ze knelt in front of one of the switches, his companion pulling tools and wires from his backpack and fiddling with a panel at the base of a pedestal. 

"Some of my mandatory electronics classes finally came in clutch", Ze said by way of explanation, "I can usually get these doors open by myself given some time. Although, with you here that makes one less lever to pull." It wasn't exactly a thank you, and Aphex was under no illusions that Ze was suddenly happy for his presence, but it was a positive acknowledgement of his existence and he would take what he would get. 

Figuring that Ze pointing out the switches was a hint for how he could help, Aphex stood at one of them diligently, waiting for instruction. Ze pulled himself to his feet a moment later, moved to the vacant lever, and with a countdown from Aphex they triggered the mechanism - a satisfying _fwoosh_ came from the door as it opened. With an excited and congratulatory clap to Ze's back, the two hurried inside and took a moment to look around. 

-

Loading up on the salvaged electronic and mechanical scrap they had ripped from the bunker's contents should've weighed the pair down, but the success of the expedition carried their feet home almost lightly. The journey back to the cabin hadn't exactly been easy, but a little exhaustion and happiness mixed together made for a giddy atmosphere that had Ze and Aphex talking and singing, trading off loads to carry, and venting about their feelings. 

Aphex felt a private victory in his chest. It had been a long time since the group had been stranded here and despite their long history of friendship, Ze had been increasingly closed-off and despondent the longer they had spent there. He had seen Ze throwing himself into fixing the power station instead of staying with the group, without even pausing himself to sort through his own feelings about their new normal. It was a relief to see him finally open up, and selfishly Aphex was glad it was him that was there for it - he was glad to have his friend back. Aphex recalled the advice that Platy had given him recently, that victories here were rare and should be celebrated with all the positivity you can muster, and so he allowed his moment of selfish pride at being there for his friend.

They were still a distance from the cabin when they heard it - arguing. Toast and Tay in another shouting match (with side commentary from Chilled, which was a given). Ze felt his numbed muscles tense and strain at the reminder that their group wasn't as sunny as they used to be. A sense of dread at returning to their living situation had Ze nearly ditching his belongings and running for the trees, but a second eruption of sound had him dig his boots into the snow. A booming cackle from Platy, then the squeaky giggles of Cheesy and Shubble - it was laughter that was coming from the cabin amidst the fighting. Confused now, but fear diffused by the chuckles, Aphex pulled open the cabin door to see what had transpired in his and Ze's absence.

The warmth of the cabin's heath and the ridiculous display in front of him had a grin splitting on Ze's face almost instantly. The group had pulled the mattresses and blankets from their beds, now huddled in comfort and close to the fireplace. In the middle of the group was a Monopoly board. Ze winced, remembering that the game hadn't been played since their arrival here; it had been quickly stuffed away since a salt-fest, courtesy of Chilled. But instead of the bitterness that Monopoly usually inspired, even Toast and Tay had smiles on their faces as they argued over house rules. The pair and Chilled - no surprise there - were the only ones left in the game. Apparently an early alliance had carried them far, but with a stack of money and monopolies with houses Chilled was thwarting their final efforts. 

Laughter. Laughter and smiles, hot chocolates and blankets, good memories being made. The group whipped their heads round as the adventuring pair walked through the door and shrugged off their backpacks and the loads they had tied to them. Ze pulled off his snow-beaten jacket and goggles, and without even asking, the group shuffled round to make space for him and Aphex to sit closest to the roaring fire. No one asked about their expedition, and instead of worrying that they didn't care, Ze knew it was the lack of questioning was their way of greeting him back. Saying that it's okay to take the night off. Silently asking instead if he wants to join in on games night. Pleading, maybe, that he'll stay with them instead of being a lone wolf.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Less hybrid stuff this time but I really wanted to draw the picture of this project winter world! And also introduce the rest of the group! Hope you like, if you do then please consider leaving kudos and a comment <3


	3. Fix Up And Look Sharp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ze's working on the power station, and not happy about how it's going.

Shubble greeted Ze with a smile. "Hello! Ze! What do we need to be doing again? Fixing stuff in that building? The, ah, radio station up... north? It is a radio station, right?" Her bubbly energy that usually lifted his spirits grated instead as he walked through the cabin door. 

He had been working on the power station all day without much company, and even through his thick gloves the wires were getting harder to fiddle with as his hands shook with the cold. The power station was a miserable building, torn up by the unforecasted blizzard that hit the site they were staying at mere days after they had been dropped off there. Brown rusted walls and wind-beaten panels had done nothing to protect the wiring inside for long, and before they knew it they were stranded - no power meant no radio tower, which meant no call for help.

Cheesy had helped Ze "dismantle" (rip apart) some of the larger machine-chunks that he had hauled back from his successful adventure with Aphex, but unfortunately the younger man had no skills in putting mechanisms together. It would take another day of focused work to finish the tower base’s wiring by himself, which seemed to be the only option. At least he had outsourced most of the manual labour to other members of the group, he wasn't sure his arms could withstand swinging an axe all day. Toast could handle that.

"How do you not know what we're doing when we've already been here for who knows how long?!" Ze exclaimed, throwing his arms up in exasperation. The plan was simple. Fix the power station, find the radio tower, and then use the outgoing radio to call into mainland for rescue. Ze had repeated that plan to himself every single day, sometimes aloud if he was feeling particularly passive-aggressive about the lack of work or input from others.

"23 days. That's how long." Shubble said quietly.

"What?" 

"We've been here for 23 days." Shubble's face was stony, her eyes without the warmth that Ze normally recognised there, "and I know that because I have counted every single day that we have been in this place. Every morning, I wake up before everyone else and mark off another day, and then I boil snow and wait until everyone else wakes up to make them tea. At night, I knock the snow out of everyone's shoes and I count heads to make sure everyone is home safe. And! In the day, I make the best medkits and bandages I can from our limited supplies and I stock them in every place we could possibly need them. I'm the first one awake and the last one asleep, and I have done this for 23 days now. Maybe I can't fix wiring like you, and I can't chop trees like Toast, and I can't direct a group like Chilled-" She sighed, rubbed the unshed tears from her eyes, then met Ze's look with a tired smile, "you know… it's okay. This isn't easy for any of us, it's fine. Sorry, that wasn't fair of me." 

Shubble left into the next room, and Ze stared down at his shaky hands. He had taken his gloves off when he walked through the door, eager to feel his skin again. Opening his palm, he saw sharp marks there where he had dug his nails in as he clenched them. A scolding from Shubble was an experience he’d never had, she was always so even-tempered and optimistic. She had a point, though, despite her trying to downplay it. He'd never thought about how much went into their life here. He'd never had to boil snow, forage for berries, or cook meat since they had landed. He'd been so focused on fixing the power station, he hadn't once stopped to take care of himself. Everyone else, especially Shubble, had been doing that for him. 

Pulling himself from his bed, he went to the bathroom and leaned against the sink. It was the one room with a mirror and Ze hadn't stopped to look at himself in weeks. He grimaced at the sight of himself. He ruffled his hair and beard in an attempt to untangle his knots, rubbed at his eyes, and and slapped at his cheeks where the feeling had left them. The cold had washed the colour from his face and he could hardly see his festures around his facial hair. 

Resolving to leave his curls for another day, he clipped and shaved back his beard into something more manageable. He took a long look in the mirror, taking in his own appearance - He almost looked like himself again. But only almost. The extra hair on his chest might be explained away as his body trying to keep him warmer, but there was something so… unnatural about his eyes now. It wasn't so obvious unless he really looked, but the way the light hit his pupils had them shrinking more into ovals than small spots.

His irises too, normally a pale seafoam colour, had a yellow shine to them. He felt a tightness in his throat at the sight and pushed his fears down to the pit of his stomach. No doctors to diagnose him in this snowy desert, no point agonising over it, right? And he certainly didn't feel ill, rather he felt stronger than ever. He was adapting to the environment better than anyone else, and he questioned how that could really be the case. His speed, his senses, everything felt heightened. His eyes, despite being bloodshot and yellow-tinged, were strong and sharp and capable. Just... how long had his eyes not looked quite like his own? He broke away from the mirror then, leaving the bathroom before he could lose himself to his thoughts anymore.

-

That night, Ze watched everyone collapse into their beds, and didn't join them. Instead he picked up a pair of boots left by the door, and joined Shubble outside where she was shaking the snow out of them. She was perched on a large tree stump close to the map board by the cabin - it was one of many stumps that had been made in the necessary culling of trees that became firewood. Shubble wasn't aware of Ze's presence until he came to sit by her side. He knocked her shoulder gently with his own in silent solidarity, the way siblings elbow eachother in the backseat of a car on a long road trip.

Despite all that Shubble had told him earlier, there was something Ze had intuited for himself. Because Shubble would never forget the conditions of their escape, especially with how attentive she was with the group. So no, she wasn't asking about their objectives because she didn't know. She could never forget. Instead, she was trying to remind Ze of his own motivations, of what she had seen drive him forward when things were tough. Because where Shubble had found strength (and distraction from her thoughts) by trying to help the group's morale, Ze had found his calling in relentlessly trying to fix the machines. She had correctly identified his core motivation, what would help him stay out of a pit, and he had scolded her for trying to help. He only hoped he wasn't in her way now, when he tried to help her too. 

Ze huffed a laugh then before knocking the boots he held against the tree stump, thinking of Aphex's insistence on joining him on his adventure and suddenly realising how similar their group could be.

Neither Shubble or Ze said anything until they were all done with the job, when their heads hit the pillow at the same time and they whispered a grateful 'goodnight' into the dark stretch between them. Ze could hear the smile in Shubble's voice when she said it, and he fell asleep - content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! I tried to think of what a person could do realistically as a medic role here, and thought maybe Shubble crafting kits and generally keeping an eye on how the group is doing would work better than literally seeing their health bars ;) if you enjoyed, please consider leaving kudos and a comment <3


	4. Snapshot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A rude awakening sends the group into disarray and conflict.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Swearing, lots of it. Description of blood.

Ze's eyes shot open to the sound of yelling, the sight of empty unmade beds in his sightline. A mess of voices in his ears, barely muffled by the cabin walls, was coming from outside. Tired and seeking comfort in the blankets he was buried under, Ze lay there a moment and tried to discern what was happening outside.

"Who the fuck did it?! Which one of you fuckers did this shit?!" That was Tay.

"Woah woah woah guys, what's going on?" Platy.

"Where the fuck's the gun from, Tay?" Toas- _gun? Did he just say gun?_ Ze was up and to his feet at that, pulling on his boots in a hurry as he heard Tay spit that she found the gun in some box, and then Aphex telling Tay to 'watch where you're swinging that thing'.

The scene unfolding in front of the cabin was unlike anything since they had arrived here. Tension and frustration meant little compared to seeing Tay level a shotgun towards their friends, who held their hands up in both surrender and pleading motions. She looked wilder than usual, her eyes blown wide but narrowing with suspicion as each person in front of her talked. The gun in her hands was moving back and forth in quick bursts as she backed up. The group slowly advanced towards her, the way you would approach a frightened deer.

“Tay, gimme a second, maybe put the gun down and we can talk,” Platy reasoned, his calm voice smoothing over the rough edges of the shouting. “We just wanna know what’s going on here.”

“No. Fuck you,” She spat, swinging the gun towards Platy, “This is for my safety. Now who the fuck did it? Who messed with the power station?”

Ze went cold. _What did she mean, 'messed with the power station?' Someone here did something bad to the power station?_ He heard his own questions spoken aloud before he even realised that he was the one speaking. His voice sounded weak and it cracked on the question. He had spent so long working on it, he had put everything into it, he had- tears sprung to his eyes. Shubble, who he was previously blind to being next to him, placed a grounding hand on his arm. Chilled emerged from behind him, a firm touch to his shoulder as he moved in front of him. Tay was staring at him now but the barrel of her gun wasn’t, and she muttered a soft and heartbroken, “Oh, Ze.”

Curious, sympathising, worried eyes fell on him. No one moved from their spot but the atmosphere turned, and the pity was almost choking. He rubbed at his eyes, still heavy with sleep and now clouded by exhausted tears, trying to stop the overwhelming hyperfocus of everyone’s breathing and heartbeats and microexpressions. It was silent for a moment more and then,

“Chilled was the last one over there.” Cheesy murmured. “Maybe he did something.” The tight silence that had kept the group exploded, fingers pointing and voices shouting. Instead of standing against Tay, everyone turned on eachother. Accusations weren’t aimed at any one person but instead sprayed like shotgun bucky. Logic and feelings mixed into one and ridiculous conjecture was floated across every point. Ze felt dizzy with the sound, palmed his ears in an attempt to shut it out, and tried to focus on his breathing and Shubble’s grounding touch on his arm. The shouting didn’t stop this time, didn’t pause to check he was okay. He was forgotten in the cacophony of voices. But that’s when he heard it. Ze remembered an old comment that Toast had made to him once, in a life so removed from this it almost felt surreal. 

*  
The group was undertaking mandatory firearms training for the trip here, back when this place was a vacation rather than an icy hellhole, when Toast started laughing to himself. Wondering what had him laughing, he turned to Toast to find him watching Tay shoot.

“What’s so funny?” Ze said, a small laugh as he said it in an attempt to avoid making himself sound accusatory.

“Tay,” He said, by way of explanation, and then turned to Ze when that didn’t yield a response, “She’s a great shot but god, girl, you can’t keep stepping back when you fire!” Toast boomed, and was quickly met with a red-faced and swearing Tay. Ze rolled his eyes at the two’s antics, knowing there was no malice in it.

*

  
He heard Tay’s shuffle-step crunch on the snow. WIthout hesitation he ran at her, his fear-response driving his feet into the ground in a powerful sprint; tears no longer in his laser focused eyes as he barrelled towards her. His chest connected with her torso and he wrapped his arms around her in a tackle, sending her backwards. He breathed for the first time in what felt like minutes, but her finger still squeezed around the trigger - bang. Ze’s blood ran cold, desperately hoping that the screams were the group being startled, that he had knocked her enough to point her gun towards the sky. He hoped for it more than he hoped for escape. 

_Boots, heavy-footed. Screaming, so many voices. Why did they all… sound the same? Or, why were they all in tune? Why did they all agree? Why were they all shouting for Chilled?_

The time that slowed suddenly sped up as Ze ran to his feet and over to his friend, lying prone in the snow with so many people around. He shouldered through them at speed, not even feeling the pain at his knees as they hit the snow. Chilled was coughing, a face of disbelief, but still one very much alive. Ze grabbed at the man’s face and chest, feeling the warmth beneath his fingers, desperately relieved at the proof that he wasn’t dead. 

Chilled winced and pointedly looked down towards where Ze’s hand was planted on his chest, but when Ze went to pull away, the warmth stayed. He looked down and saw red, the plan of his hand coated in the colour. It was so bold against to white background of the snow, brighter than anything he had seen since they arrived. He couldn’t stop staring at it, not when he was pulled away by strong hands, not when he heard Shubble shout at everyone to move out of the way so she could work. He just stared at his hand, bright red with the blood of a friend, and felt his world spin.

“He’ll be alright, Ze, you know that right?” Platy’s voice entered his brain, like something so detached from what he was seeing, “He’s a trooper and even if he wasn’t, that guy is too stubborn to stay dead for long.”

Ze nodded without feeling behind it, registering that the words were true but unable to fit them into his mental picture. It was like screenshots now: Tay with a gun, darkness as he tackled her, the red on his hands. Platy pulled him to his feet, grabbing the hand that was clean, and Ze saw the red impression he left in the snow as he had used the hand for leverage. As soon as he had his feet on the ground, Platy dropped his hand, and with a considerate look he was left alone. Ze stood, unmoving, shocked still by what had happened. Staring at the red handprint in the snow. He felt an overwhelming nervousness, a restlessness, in his legs. He thought if he started running, he might not stop. That’s exactly what he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the betrayal! Please don't hate me! If you enjoyed, please consider leaving kudos and a comment <3


	5. Cool, running

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some running, some resting, and some more running has Ze alone and afraid.

By the time he stopped running, Ze was surrounded entirely by untrodden white ground save for the trail he himself had left behind. The barren landscape stretched as far as he could see and he spun in his spot, the blizzard of snow erasing the evidence of where he had been running from. White and shades of grey all around him, he was grateful for the lack of blood against the snow. Now that he paused he felt stuck, entirely too aware of the ache in his muscles and the sore feet inside his boots. _Someone had tried to stop the group from escaping. One of them was trying to keep them all here. Why? For what purpose? Did they really hate him that much?_

_And Tay, she shot Chilled_. She had looked so manic, her eyes darting as quick as her gun. He couldn’t even muster the anger to be mad at her. He was angry with himself, for not preventing the gunshot. If he had been quicker, he might’ve knocked the shotgun to the sky. He could've saved Chilled. 

In all the years of knowing him, Ze had never had to see Chilled die. They weren’t often in a situation to, and he had been surviving well since they landed here. The group, fuck, his friends, they had all seen him run away. Abandon them. Abandon Chilled, when he was the one to always recover him. Chilled, who settled more arguments than he caused and led the group when no one else would. Chilled, who was so alive mere moments before and then he just… died. _He died and no amount of coming back to life would make that untrue_. 

There are defining moments in a person’s life where they exist before and after that, but their frame of reference changes forever. Whenever Ze thought of his memories, of his past, “before Chilled” and “after Chilled” had been his structure. Now he felt a second split happening, once again defined by the man’s presence in his life. Before Chilled, after Chilled, and now after he had seen Chilled die. Ze believed that regardless of grief and comfort, of therapy and making good memories, he would always feel a disconnect from the person he was before today.

Ze carried himself limply forwards, not ready to imagine the state of everyone at the cabin. He couldn’t face them with their questions, even their concern, he didn’t know if he would ever be ready. So he walked forward still, mindlessly until a bunker appeared ahead of him. The events outside the cabin had Ze running in whatever direction was ‘away’ and without knowing which way he had been pointing, he didn’t know if the bunker would be open or not. Approaching the ramp past the switches, unhacked and unpressed, his answers was a shut door.

Without his backpack full of tools and all his strength depleted, Ze couldn’t pry open the bunker door. Frustration and exhaustion bubbled over into tears that felt burning on his cold face as he weakly slammed his fists against the unyielding metal. The futile effort brought him to his knees and suddenly the drive to keep going left him. Curling up into a ball at the top of the ramp, he let himself fall into a still state and heard his own shaky breath as he floated away from the reality he was living in and slept, almost resting. And for the first time in a long time, Ze dreamt. He dreamt of memories away from here, when he first met these friends that now all depended on each other to escape.

-

Chilled hooked an arm around his shoulders and pointed vaguely into the distance with his other hand - which was palming a colourful cocktail with a little umbrella. The extra height on the man, and the absence of coordination that a few drinks allowed, had Ze make a small oof noise as Chilled stumbled into Ze’s side. They had been celebrating the end of another college year, or exam season, or maybe it wasn’t so much of a celebration as it was an excuse to drink - and they stood in the garden of someone they wouldn’t even remember the name of in a few years time. 

“Hey Chilled,” Ze laughed, “You all good?”

“More than. I’m feeling fantastic Ze,” he slurred, and then whirled around and placed his glass on the side as he now grabbed Ze’s shoulders with both hands and looked down to him with all the urgency and importance a drunk man could portray, “I think I might be immortal.”

Ze should laugh at the ridiculous statement, but instead he felt himself sober. Would fate let them meet like that, two people who had escaped death? Chilled rambled through a long-winded story about how he had been mugged, and awoken to see more stab wounds healing on his body than should be possible. The doctors had called it a medical miracle, the college hadn’t even given him an extension on his essays. Ze listened to him emphatically explain what had happened and how he was considering testing out his theory and shaked his head fondly. The story continued even as they walked back to Ze’s dorm, Chilled still mumbling from his spot that he occupied on Ze’s floor when the lights went out. When the sounds went quiet and snoring overtook them, Ze peered down and softly said, 

“I think I might be immortal, too.”

It was the first conversation of many, and before long the pair had talked out all the details of their more-than-near-death experiences. Chance had it that Ze was browsing reddit when he found a user who seemed to know a little bit too much about what death felt like to be anything other than someone like him and Chilled. AphexArcade was being mocked and ridiculed by many users on the post, scoffing that no one could be so certain what death was like unless they had been through it themselves. An airy comment from AphexArcade hinted that it might be that that’s the case. Taking a gamble on reaching out, the duo became a trio and they set out to see if they could find more people who had come back to life before.

Aphex introduced them to a forum he had found away from the eyes of the main search engines. There were so many more people who had died and come back to life than Ze could have imagined. Eventually some of them became his dear friends. Not everyone shared their stories but they did share themselves - parts of their lives, playing games together, coming to each-other with the fears that no one else would understand.

There was Toast, a former firefighter, decorated for his bravery for running into fires when no one else could. Saving lives using his own was everything, but the mounting suspicions of the crew that he couldn’t stand to keep lying to had him leave, quietly. Tay, paranoid about being found out and experimented on by the government. Shubble and Platy, who didn’t want to lose how much they cherished life now that they knew that death could never be permanent for them. Cheesy, too young to have died more than the others, scared that maybe one day death would be permanent. They had shared so much, and now someone had betrayed them. 

-

Ze awoke with tears drying on his cheeks and he burrowed more into his jacket. He wanted nothing more than to escape back into his memories, but his ears pricked at the sound of wolves running. He felt the move, instinctually, towards the sound and in a moment he was to his feet and running in the opposite direction. The cold made his movement creaky and the disuse of his muscles had him attempting to stretch out even as he ran. He briefly wondered how it might be to die to the cold, out here and alone, and how he would recover. But that death was long off as he heard the sounds of the wolves feet and the gnashing of their teeth drawing closer.

He was losing the distance between himself and the wolves, his breath shaky and his muscles giving up before he had even thought to slow down. The burn of lactic acid buildup from overextending himself almost felt like warmth, before a rip of pain tore through his calf and all propulsion he had came to a grinding halt. Registering the searing feeling, he looked down to see sharp metal jaws around his leg -  _ a bear trap? _

The wolves caught up to him quickly; frozen to the spot, and the pain of the trap at his leg and the emergence of his death mixed in a cocktail that had his vision blacking out and span his head. The claws and bites of wolves that Ze expected didn’t happen, and as he fell forward with a thud, the smell of raw meat drifted through his nose. At the fringes of his consciousness as it faded, he heard a muffled voice and the footfalls of someone approaching.

“Sorry m...guy, we can’t...et you...eave...”

This time, he didn’t dream.

-

The lights of the starry night were closer and clearer than Ze had ever seen them, constellations mapped with lines he swore he could actually see. He thought how lonely it might feel to be among them, but still found himself yearning for space in a way that felt almost like homesickness. He was so lost in tracing the paths between stars with his eyes that it took him longer than it should to realise the blanketed warmth surrounding him, and as his foggy mind cleared he sat up to realise that he was actually in a small building and the stars above him were painted on some kind of canvas map.

Sitting up against the thick animal pelt that was apparently acting as some sort of duvet, Ze looked around in an attempt to survey his new and unfamiliar surroundings. Structurally it was similar to the many bunkers he had salvaged scrap from, but instead of a barren building with desolate technology, it had the features of a house made into a home. Various animal pelts lined the floor, drawings of the environment with neat little labels were scattered about, and a mug Ze swore he recognised as one from the cabin was sitting on a table crafted from a metal box. 

Any questions that Ze might have about who lived in the makeshift abode dried in his throat as he heard the door open with practised ease. Whirling around, Ze’s eyes landed on wolf fur and sharp, sharp teeth that had him scurrying backwards against a wall. What stood before him was undoubtedly humanoid but somehow  _ other, _ bipedal and human-shaped but wrong in the details. Eyes, orange and piercing, crinkled at the edges like a human might if they were smiling. And they were, smiling with teeth so sharp they could pierce skin with a slight pressure. At closer inspection, the wolf fur was actually an accessory draped across their shoulders, the paws tame at their chest. Other than that, they were dressed like a human and carried themselves like a human, so Ze ventured a hesitant “Hello?”

The sharp smile turned into a high-pitched laugh, cutting out in-between short bursts of ‘Ha’s!’ before a gloved hand was thrust towards Ze. “Name’s Apollo! No need to be scared, I don’t bite!” Ze shook his hand, still wary but glad to be safe - probably thanks to Apollo themself. “I know I look a bit wolfish, but I promise you, I’m more of a... dumb dog.” They laughed again, now at a joke Ze didn’t quite get but maybe wasn’t for him anyway. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, what is he doing here?? Hope you enjoyed! If you did, please consider leaving kudos or a comment <3


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